Hello week 27!!

Pregnancy Transformation

It seems that there are more people than ever joining the fitness community and are somewhere in the midst of their transformation journey. I was at the beginning of this journey myself before I became pregnant. Let's start off with a little perspective real quick of my state of mind for this time.

So let's start by talking about Dana Linn Bailey....

Now, I know my close friends think I am nuts ever since I have became a fan of this scene. Most people I know think women are not suppose to look like this. That it is "gross" and manly. But there is something I want everybody to understand. I love MUSCLE. I love the power and the intensity of the human body made manifest. DLB quickly became an idol of mine - and here is the main point - NOT because I want to look like her! Her dedication is obvious, among a plethora of other characteristic and psychological strengths you need to get there. Not to mention her fabulous attitude and modesty for such achievements and the message she wants to send to girls and women. I have somewhat of an idea of this type drive because of the dedication I had put into Martial Arts and Kickboxing. There is a self satisfaction, a rush, a euphoria and a building up of yourself you feel when you see hard work manifest and feel its glory. I am not in a state to chase it anymore - but that brings me to my next point.

I have always been into fitness. It may seem that once I became closer to my boss and friend (who is quickly rising the ranks in the physique/fitness world :) ) I started my own journey. That is not the case. I have always loved working out and working for something, but somewhere in between moving out of childhood and learning to become an adult (a huge adjustment for me...thats a whole other story I will never write about) my concentration shifted from that. So what started it?

It was the molar pregnancy of course. Being told that my cancerous pregnancy could come back, that I could need chemotherapy...I swung right back into what I knew for keeping and building a strong and healthy body. I started eating clean. I mean VERY clean. I regularly consumed vitamins that were "anti-cancerous" and then when I was told I had to wait a year to get pregnant again, I knew I needed a new concentration. I saw that as an opportunity to dive back into fitness. And dive I did. I achieved things I never thought or got close to achieving before. I am not saying I HAD a miraculous transformation or had an awesome body. I mentally achieved things...I learned things to help me on that journey and started seeing results. I mean, who ever thought I would squat 145 lbs weighing only 130! I have always known I could accomplish anything I want physically and that I was blessed with a healthy and strong body, but these things CHANGED me. It is almost a blessing...what pushed me there. Actually no it WAS a blessing. I have been blessed through the whole process of "losing my first pregnancy" actually and it has really built me up in so many ways, as all burdens and hardships are designed to do in this life. I was able to concentrate on these things...and not on the hard truth that "I am not ALLOWED to get pregnant if I want to." It gave me drive, purpose, passion....it carried me through and I was enjoying life rather then sitting at home being depressed.(I also have my amazing job to thank for this.)

And as you know, it started to die down once I was told I could get pregnant. :)

And so here we are. And now I want to share MY transformation. Especially in this day of photoshopped magazine covers and dare I even say, this rise in fitness competitors, women are so hard on their bodies! We all know that. And it does not escape the pregnant women.

I have heard ladies complain about how "fat" they look or feel while pregnant. Look, I can somewhat relate. I too was thin before, and I understand especially if you have ALWAYS been super thin, to suddenly feel so big, but here is the heart of the matter. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! I am quickly realizing that all the pain and discomfort and general hardship a women goes through during pregnancy was designed (and I am not talking about the obvious scientific reasons such as your hips becoming wider to help during labor and thus causing extreme hip pain, as I know VERY well), I am talking about spiritually and emotionally. You are in for a really really difficult transition if you do not start realizing while pregnant that this little BUG (I say that lovingly, my TLG peeps know what I mean) is going to change EVERYTHING. Your life, you, your relationships...And so when you are looking at your pregnant body and think "aw man, my thighs...my sides..have gotten so fat!" you are missing the point. And you are missing the beauty.

Having always had an obsessive personality myself, I can see how I could easily fall into this trap. However, I am seeing everything with new eyes.

I am not showing these photos as in..."Look how awesome I look!" It is merely a comparison. I was well on my way, and nowhere near what I wanted. When I was working out, I was in this mental state of perfecting everything I see. "Ok, a little flab is still there on the sides, need to increase cardio" or "my biceps seem pretty flat. I need to work more on my tris!" So here's the thing: True athletes are never satisfied, and that is why you get people like DLB. Not because she "wants to have giant, man-like muscles" (and if you ask me they look amazingly, strong-feminine to me), but because they have drive, and they cannot stop working, and the rush and the journey is most of it and they know there is NO END. They keep working, improving, adapting and evolving because they cannot to anything else. They cannot stop.

And so my proudest moment is when Angela said "Jaquee! Your back looks amazing!" I thought "huh?" So later I went home and looked in the mirror and you can imagine my jaw dropping. I had not been working for that! A great personal milestone. Finding a strength...I am just so sad I do not have a better picture with better lighting so show it properly.

And so now, with that all in perspective, you can see how I could possibly fall into that same trap of harshly judging my body. Tons of women say they will never become pregnant because they don't want their body to get "ruined." How selfish! And having been working so hard for something, you would probably understand if I was a bit down at the atrophy of muscle that pregnancy causes.

My first picture I look a bit the same, however of course the tone of muscle has already atrophied, the stomach has softened...

Now let's look at a more recent one.

HERE is my transformation (so far!) Out of every post-baby, post-obese and post-lazy transformation pictures out there I want to declare that my, yes, TRANSFORMATION from fit to "FAT" is an accomplishment! A celebration! And so the conversations in the mirror have changed!

#1 - "Look at how huge my boobs are!! They are really preparing for baby to have many many good and healthy meals."
#2 - "Look at my belly! My organs have shifted, my ab muscles are all stretched out and its so big and round! Baby is growing and has temporary residence INSIDE of me! How lucky am I!? How amazing is that?!"
#3 - My love handles...my thighs have a great layer of fat now....FANTASTIC! My body is preparing for breastfeeding and the 600 extra calories it will be burning (gotta keep baby fed! I have a high metabolism anyway!)
- My body is so smart! So amazing!!

And that is what I see. And that is why I am proud of my pregnant body. I do not look into the mirror with the same, inward, self-centered attitude. I see it in a more primitive, naturally, respectful way. Does that mean I am not going to get back in the gym as soon as I can? No! But in the moment, in this precious and important, life changing moment, I am happy and ecstatic with the physical prowess, strength and talent the pregnant human body emanates. It is strength. It is peace. It is beauty. It is LIFE.

It is Zoee.