Love

So here is a subject perfect for my blog. Dreams of course! These pregnancy dreams are crazy! It is nothing new to me however, because I have always had crazy, vivid dreams. I grew up with my dad helping to translate our families dreams and have learned this skill as well. I have also done some study to the miracle and gift of dreams (if you are interested I encourage you to read Lauri Loewenberg's book or visit her website!) But these pregnancy dreams are all typically about the same thing...

Last Nights Dream

I somehow found out that Shawn had a girl in another state that he liked. This has happened in other dreams, where he has had a "crush." But this time I asked him if he has ever gone up to visit her. He had. Then if he had ever had sex with her, and with a disturbing nonchalance he said yes!! The emotions I feel in these dreams are super real. I even feel them after waking up, sometimes for an hour or more. I believe this is a physiological thing and most people experience it as well, but it is fascinating! And also a little disheartening. Even though your brain knows it never happened and never could, it FEELS like it has in a very real way.The pain! However, it is sort of a weird little blessing too, because then when reality starts to settle back in I realize how incredibly lucky I am.

 (In case you are wondering usually "cheating" dreams during pregnancy are a reflection of your body changing and maybe even some insecurity about it, as well as the worry that your partner may find you less desirable. It is a a very very common dream for pregnant women.)

There are not enough things I can say about this man. He is amazing. There is nobody on this earth who could love me more. Second only to my parents of course, he has taught me what true unconditional love is. He is constant in his support and love. He has changed me and I love who I am with him. Again, there is not enough I can say about him! I see him and he shines above everything else in the world. Looking at these pictures of him makes me swoon. Makes my knees weak! (Still! The first time I went to visit him at his house in High School my knees literally buckled walking up his sidewalk! I almost fell over!) To me he is the most beautiful, sexiest man alive! There are just no words I have to describe how I feel when I look at him, even when I have been with him all day!

Typically the phrase "he would take a bullet for me" garners the highest level of loyalty one can express. But in some way, I know he would do more. He lives to make me happy. TRULY happy. He does not sugar coat anything! From the outside it can seem someone harsh sometimes, but he gives completely of himself in a way that is the best for me.

I am SO incredibly lucky! So incredibly blessed! I don't know that I deserve him most of the time. There are just many more great qualities he doesn't show everyone, so you just got to take my word for it! But my life is full of joy because of this man. In fact, that is what garnered the title of my blog itself. I am sowing dreams. For so long it was my dream to marry this man. My dreams have come true and they seem to come true over and over as I find I can love him more everyday ( which always seems impossible!). Then my dream was to have little Asian babies with him! These things seem like regular life milestones for most - but not so in my life. I worked for these, but also of course have been blessed by a merciful, loving Heavenly Father who knew exactly who was perfect for me.

My dreams will never come true (the ones of him not loving me completely or loving another). I know that with clear certainty. And these painful, emotional short experiences are kind of a huge blessing and nice experience because it helps me to re-realize, with energetic, spiritual enthusiasm, that my dreams have already come true! He is my dream come true....and so much more.

Faith

I am already about 6 weeks away! Things are becoming more real. And as this precious baby girl continues to grow within me, and I can feel it, I am preparing to meet her in a very real sense. I can feel my body preparing for the miraculous transition as well and it is amazing. I feel so grateful and lucky to be a part of this divine gift. With that, I will be exploring a topic that may seem surprising, so late into this pregnancy.

One of my most memorable and tear-filled moments of this pregnancy was when I was at work and received the phone call from my doctor I had been so desperately anticipating. She was calling to confirm my pregnancy through my blood work. I could hear the joy she shared with me in her voice. The same voice that a year ago had told me the devastating news with such serenity and compassion. Immediately after the phone call I ran to the bathroom. I got on my knees and through sobbing tears thanked my Heavenly Father for this gift. It was one of the most tender, spiritual and joyful moments of my mortality. SO much packed into that one moment. The bathroom transformed into a small, private, temporary temple for me.

My doctor was a great force that helped get me through that terrible ordeal. In fact, and I don't know how many know this, but the lab results she received shortly after my D&C pointed at first to a more serious issue. One that would have called for an immediate hysterectomy. My Doctor had the great sense, and what I firmly believe to be heavenly inspiration, to seek a second opinion. Turns out it was just the Molar pregnancy...Literally her good decision saved me, and if not for that I could have had something even more devastating happen that was not truly necessary and I would never be about to welcome a child into this world and into my heart.

There is no doubt at all that this could only be accomplished by the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father. I know his hand was involved then, throughout that whole experience and even now. I  know this with a surety called Faith.

As some of you may know, in my church I currently serve the Young Women. I love it and I remember clearly and fondly my days as a young women in the church (age 12 - 18). We have this great program called Personal Progress. A divinely inspired program of course that I believe to be singular and rare in the world that can help girls achieve the spiritual and mortal skills they need to be successful and righteous daughters of God, Mothers, wives and individuals. (You can read about it here.) When I was a YW I did work on it, but like school I did lots of procrastinating and did not receive my YW Recognition award. Now I have the opportunity to work on it again -and again this is no coincidence - but I feel like my mortal experiences and my job, family life and personal attributes have prepared me to be a good mother in a temporal sense, but this is helping me develop more qualities and prepare in a spiritual sense. God knows what we need to progress and bless us, and he knew I needed to serve the YW to bless me and my family!  (Also read this - It is for the world! Not just members of the church! The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I am on the section of faith and been reading scriptures and talks on this subject. Just this little study has increased my understanding and enlightened my soul on the subject. I truly know in my heart that when we seek out to study and ponder things of spiritual and heavenly worth, God aids us. He looks for opportunities to pour out his blessings that we are worthy of and ready for. He really asks so little. So when we come to him with sincerity, you can expect an outpouring of that love and light. He delights and desires to do so, He just waits for us to come to Him!

So with one of the activity experiences I am on, I had to read some specific scripture and then read two General Conference talks on the topic. I picked "Fear Not; I am with Thee" by Jean A. Stevens. Again, you do not have to be a member of my church to read this. It is inspirational and the stories she shares alone are a very uplifting, I urge you to read it! (Fear Not; I am with Thee).  It starts off with talking about the tender feelings of being a new parent. Ha! How did I pick just the right one out of many many talks? The whole thing made me teary eyed and grateful because it brought me back to that awful time when I received that bad news after my miscarriage (I will never forget Shawn's heartbroken face) and that hard year afterwards.

You see, some people, when they experience joy or gain something desirable and it is taken away, they can blame and even curse God. I knew better. Luckily I had been prepared by many experiences and my amazing parents leadership and teachings for this. I accepted this trial. I knew it was ordained to me in a way. I knew that God was in control. I knew He had a plan for me and I knew that with Him, it would all be ok. I knew I would get through it for many reasons...

I remember my dad (or was it my sister?) who said "You know Jaq, you can really stress over the simplest of things, but with this thing you are all tough as nails." It was so true and I felt a bit of pride, but not too much, because really the glory goes to my Lord and Savior. For it is he who atoned not only for my sins but descended below all things, experienced pain and anguish of an indescribable degree, but specifically my personal pains as well. All of ours - personally. He provided a way to return to our Heavenly Father through our fallen and imperfect state, but also a way to succor and guide us through the pains and tragedy of this life. I do not say these things because I have heard or been taught them so long. I say them because I know in my heart. This "knowing in your heart." This is faith. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  This faith is a gift. We have been created with a spirit that on its own right, knows how to communicate with the Holy Ghost. We do not need to understand it or how it works. But as the scripture says, it is something that is given so we can KNOW things with a surety without having to be proven to us in a mortal sense - with our limited vision and understanding. With the limited sight of  mortality, this faith in fact is the ONLY way to know anything with a surety on this earth. What an amazing gift! You feel it. In your heart and soul. And it can not be denied.

It is this faith and this trust of God that got me through that trying time. I would never ask for that kind of trial, but I would never give it away either. It has made me and changed me and I am sure prepared me. It has given me the gift of an even sweeter experience through this whole pregnancy. Every moment is so special and this abundance of love is indescribable - and all before I see her sweet face, hold her in my arms and feel her spirit. I am so grateful for this knowledge and for the example of many amazing strong, faithful people in my life. We all truly are here to bless each other and be God's tools in each other's lives. 

I know that Heavenly Father knows you. You are his child. He has a plan for you and desires to bless and reach out to you. Have faith. Do not fear. Seek Him. I am so so so glad I did and was able to turn something tragic into a great blessing. I would not be experiencing the utter joy I feel now if I had not gone down that path of faith and trust in the Lord.