My Birth Story

It is Wednesdsay morning, October 8^th 2014.

I wake up with my husband at about 6am. Normally, I stay asleep. After all, growing a baby that will soon be here in less than 2 weeks is an exhausting task! But some days I just cannot stay in bed. I kiss him goodbye and settle myself down to browse Facebook, a habit I truly hate that I have started, but it requires so little effort! Someone mentions something about a lunar eclipse. Really? Now? I have to check it out. I waddle me and my swollen belly to the window and peer through the blinds. Now there is a sight I have always wanted to witness. Indeed, a big black shadow is cast over the moon, in other parts of the world the blood moon is a different site to behold. I wonder what today will have in store?

Well we all know where the story goes from there, but I had no idea it would be so incredible and miraculous. Every birth is miraculous, but the circumstances leading up to my delivery feel even more so. It started with a doctors appointment I had on Tuesday. I got all ready to go and was ready to walk out the door when I realized – I couldn't find my keys! I knew exactly where they were. My baby-brained-sleep-deprived self left them in the car, locked in the garage. I couldn't get to them without my husband home, so I just rescheduled my weekly check up with the doctor for the next day.

Wednesday came, and with it an unusual number of phone calls and text messages from family and friends saying “I am thinking of you!” and “Hope you are feeling well!” Even with the company of the blood moon, I didn't think anything of it. Not even when my best friend called me to ask if I wanted a ride to the doctor! I was relieved, it was such a welcomed offer, even if it was very inconvenient for her.

We get to the doctor and I just don't feel right. I feel very jittery and attribute it to excitement. I was hoping I had dilated or effaced some more and I would be going into labor soon! Little unknown fact about me, I have since I was young been fascinated with labor and delivery. I grew up asking lots of questions and hearing many stories. During my pregnancy I super-educated myself and planned and prepared every single day for a Hypnobirthing experience. I couldn't wait not only to meet my baby, but to experience labor!

However my jitteryness proved to not be caused from my anxiety. My blood pressure was a little high, and my feet, my friend pointed out, were a strange shade of purple. Without sounding alarmed my doctor had me admitted for monitoring. An ultrasound showed a breech baby whose amniotic fluid was low. My doctor, knowing how much I desired to have a natural birth experience, told me I was about 2 millimeters away from the bare minimum amount of fluid. “Most doctors would be sending you to surgery already.” She made it clear however that if things didn't flip around (including baby!), that we would need to do a c-section.

My heart sunk. Three strikes against me.  I felt helpless and yes a little guilty, though I was assured it was nothing I could have caused. All of that practice. All the visualization, the reading and the prep that went into my calm, spiritual and natural birth plan went down the drain. I was incredibly disappointed, not only of not having the type of birth I wanted, but the feeling of being robbed of the beautiful experience of labor I had always wanted to experience was overwhelming. They wanted to start surgery right away. I of course was persistent this wouldn't happen. I would do whatever I could in my power to change this course. I tried different positions to try and flip her. I tried meditation and visualization and even an inner dialogue with my baby to try and change things. After some time, nothing changed and only worsened, so they prepped me for surgery. I had one more thing I wanted to do. I wanted my home teachers to give me a blessing. I knew it was wrong to think so, but maybe if it was meant to be they could change my fate!

My doctor and the staff were so positive and supportive of my decision to wait until my home teachers could get there to give me a blessing. I didn't perceive one shred of doubt, negativity or any feelings of being rushed in their attitude towards it. I am still so incredibly grateful for that. They let me wait until my home teachers could get to me, which was at about 9pm, almost two hours past the time they wanted to start surgery. I apologized to my doctor for keeping her at the hospital so late (she herself has seen years of infertility before giving birth, also a c-section, to twins.) She brushed it off, said don't even worry about it she has paper work to do anyway. She is the best doctor in the world and has always made me feel so important.

My home teachers arrived and I received my blessing. I told them I wanted a blessing to make sure I was doing the right thing, for reassurance, and I was hoping for a miracle. I always start to bawl at the first mention of the Melchizedek priesthood. Of course, the blessing said nothing of my desires, but did bless the procedure and outcome of the surgery. I was humbled. Immediately after the blessing was over I felt this big blanket of calm wash over me. I cannot explain it, but all my worry, stress and negativity was completely washed away. My best friend noticed and made mention of that (she is super talented at reading people, especially me) and I felt happy she got to witness such a profound power of God on this earth (she being a non-member). 

So I went into surgery with an impossible calmness I have not experienced in such a stressful situation before. Even when I heard my doctor say the words “meconium” and had to wait some dreadfully long seconds before hearing my baby cry, I was at total peace. I knew everything would be perfect and my baby would be in the best hands and be healthy. I knew with a perfect knowledge.

Hearing her cry was the most amazing, soul-piercing experience I have ever had. I wept openly. I will never forget that special and life changing moment. There is no explaining it and no comparison other than seeing her for the first time, which I did for a short time before they took her away to get her breathing a bit better. After some 3 long hours I was finally able to hold my baby. My calm peace remained with me for those three hours as well. I recall feeling excited to hold her, but not anxious or stressed to be apart from her. Again, I had total confidence in the staff as was addressed in my blessing. I will never forget that first moment I got to hold my child for the first time. The child I had waited for and wanted for 2 long years. With her finally in my arms, my life feels so complete. I feel so grateful for the countless miracles leading up to and after the birth. A birth I did not want, but learned to love and look back at with fondness.

Shortly after arriving home we were given another amazing gift. We have two bamboo stalks in a vase that served as one of the centerpieces at our wedding. There use to be three, but when one died, we attributed the two remaining stalks to representing us as husband and wife. Our love bamboo! My husband noticed only a few hours from walking in the door that there was a short little bamboo sprouting up from the rocks! How amazing is that?!

Also, you may recall when I was trying to get pregnant that a very close friend of mine had some mala beads (prayer beads) made for me that included certain stones for fertility, dismissal of fear and other great and very specific qualities. At my baby shower we had everyone write down their guess for the date and weight of the baby. This friend won. She then shared with me why she had chosen the date 10/8. There are 108 beads on a traditional mala necklace. 108 is the universally revered holy number, the number that literally (within its characters) represents our sacred union with God and his creations. How fitting and beautiful is that?

Aside from all these wonderful tender mercies and gifts, if I wouldn't had lost my keys, I would have gone to my check up on Tuesday. Wednesday would have come and I would have just attributed my jitteryness to needing a nap or water and dismissed it. I wouldn't have noticed my purple feet. I would have "toughed it out" as I always do. Then, I would have been walking around a week with low amniotic fluid and high blood pressure with a breech baby and who knows when she passed the yucky meconium. I probably would have lost her.

I can only thank the love and grace of my Heavenly Father for that and His hand in my life. It is so incredibly evident. I am still profusely thanking him for that and the miracles of my birth and everything leading up to and following it. I also am so incredibly thankful for my doctor and her amazing judgment and knowledge. This is the second time in my life she has SAVED me in a situation where another doctor may not have been so "sensitive." So many other doctors (with the molar pregnancy situation and my state before the surgery) would have simply written it off as something else. I am more grateful in my life than I can even express!! 

These things, not only the birth of my beautiful and perfect daughter, but these tender mercies have changed me. After all, it is not only a child that is born after a delivery, but a mother. And I am seeing that I am well on the path, if I keep this faith and light, to being the righteous mother of God I have always wanted and planned to be.

Love

So here is a subject perfect for my blog. Dreams of course! These pregnancy dreams are crazy! It is nothing new to me however, because I have always had crazy, vivid dreams. I grew up with my dad helping to translate our families dreams and have learned this skill as well. I have also done some study to the miracle and gift of dreams (if you are interested I encourage you to read Lauri Loewenberg's book or visit her website!) But these pregnancy dreams are all typically about the same thing...

Last Nights Dream

I somehow found out that Shawn had a girl in another state that he liked. This has happened in other dreams, where he has had a "crush." But this time I asked him if he has ever gone up to visit her. He had. Then if he had ever had sex with her, and with a disturbing nonchalance he said yes!! The emotions I feel in these dreams are super real. I even feel them after waking up, sometimes for an hour or more. I believe this is a physiological thing and most people experience it as well, but it is fascinating! And also a little disheartening. Even though your brain knows it never happened and never could, it FEELS like it has in a very real way.The pain! However, it is sort of a weird little blessing too, because then when reality starts to settle back in I realize how incredibly lucky I am.

 (In case you are wondering usually "cheating" dreams during pregnancy are a reflection of your body changing and maybe even some insecurity about it, as well as the worry that your partner may find you less desirable. It is a a very very common dream for pregnant women.)

There are not enough things I can say about this man. He is amazing. There is nobody on this earth who could love me more. Second only to my parents of course, he has taught me what true unconditional love is. He is constant in his support and love. He has changed me and I love who I am with him. Again, there is not enough I can say about him! I see him and he shines above everything else in the world. Looking at these pictures of him makes me swoon. Makes my knees weak! (Still! The first time I went to visit him at his house in High School my knees literally buckled walking up his sidewalk! I almost fell over!) To me he is the most beautiful, sexiest man alive! There are just no words I have to describe how I feel when I look at him, even when I have been with him all day!

Typically the phrase "he would take a bullet for me" garners the highest level of loyalty one can express. But in some way, I know he would do more. He lives to make me happy. TRULY happy. He does not sugar coat anything! From the outside it can seem someone harsh sometimes, but he gives completely of himself in a way that is the best for me.

I am SO incredibly lucky! So incredibly blessed! I don't know that I deserve him most of the time. There are just many more great qualities he doesn't show everyone, so you just got to take my word for it! But my life is full of joy because of this man. In fact, that is what garnered the title of my blog itself. I am sowing dreams. For so long it was my dream to marry this man. My dreams have come true and they seem to come true over and over as I find I can love him more everyday ( which always seems impossible!). Then my dream was to have little Asian babies with him! These things seem like regular life milestones for most - but not so in my life. I worked for these, but also of course have been blessed by a merciful, loving Heavenly Father who knew exactly who was perfect for me.

My dreams will never come true (the ones of him not loving me completely or loving another). I know that with clear certainty. And these painful, emotional short experiences are kind of a huge blessing and nice experience because it helps me to re-realize, with energetic, spiritual enthusiasm, that my dreams have already come true! He is my dream come true....and so much more.

Faith

I am already about 6 weeks away! Things are becoming more real. And as this precious baby girl continues to grow within me, and I can feel it, I am preparing to meet her in a very real sense. I can feel my body preparing for the miraculous transition as well and it is amazing. I feel so grateful and lucky to be a part of this divine gift. With that, I will be exploring a topic that may seem surprising, so late into this pregnancy.

One of my most memorable and tear-filled moments of this pregnancy was when I was at work and received the phone call from my doctor I had been so desperately anticipating. She was calling to confirm my pregnancy through my blood work. I could hear the joy she shared with me in her voice. The same voice that a year ago had told me the devastating news with such serenity and compassion. Immediately after the phone call I ran to the bathroom. I got on my knees and through sobbing tears thanked my Heavenly Father for this gift. It was one of the most tender, spiritual and joyful moments of my mortality. SO much packed into that one moment. The bathroom transformed into a small, private, temporary temple for me.

My doctor was a great force that helped get me through that terrible ordeal. In fact, and I don't know how many know this, but the lab results she received shortly after my D&C pointed at first to a more serious issue. One that would have called for an immediate hysterectomy. My Doctor had the great sense, and what I firmly believe to be heavenly inspiration, to seek a second opinion. Turns out it was just the Molar pregnancy...Literally her good decision saved me, and if not for that I could have had something even more devastating happen that was not truly necessary and I would never be about to welcome a child into this world and into my heart.

There is no doubt at all that this could only be accomplished by the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father. I know his hand was involved then, throughout that whole experience and even now. I  know this with a surety called Faith.

As some of you may know, in my church I currently serve the Young Women. I love it and I remember clearly and fondly my days as a young women in the church (age 12 - 18). We have this great program called Personal Progress. A divinely inspired program of course that I believe to be singular and rare in the world that can help girls achieve the spiritual and mortal skills they need to be successful and righteous daughters of God, Mothers, wives and individuals. (You can read about it here.) When I was a YW I did work on it, but like school I did lots of procrastinating and did not receive my YW Recognition award. Now I have the opportunity to work on it again -and again this is no coincidence - but I feel like my mortal experiences and my job, family life and personal attributes have prepared me to be a good mother in a temporal sense, but this is helping me develop more qualities and prepare in a spiritual sense. God knows what we need to progress and bless us, and he knew I needed to serve the YW to bless me and my family!  (Also read this - It is for the world! Not just members of the church! The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I am on the section of faith and been reading scriptures and talks on this subject. Just this little study has increased my understanding and enlightened my soul on the subject. I truly know in my heart that when we seek out to study and ponder things of spiritual and heavenly worth, God aids us. He looks for opportunities to pour out his blessings that we are worthy of and ready for. He really asks so little. So when we come to him with sincerity, you can expect an outpouring of that love and light. He delights and desires to do so, He just waits for us to come to Him!

So with one of the activity experiences I am on, I had to read some specific scripture and then read two General Conference talks on the topic. I picked "Fear Not; I am with Thee" by Jean A. Stevens. Again, you do not have to be a member of my church to read this. It is inspirational and the stories she shares alone are a very uplifting, I urge you to read it! (Fear Not; I am with Thee).  It starts off with talking about the tender feelings of being a new parent. Ha! How did I pick just the right one out of many many talks? The whole thing made me teary eyed and grateful because it brought me back to that awful time when I received that bad news after my miscarriage (I will never forget Shawn's heartbroken face) and that hard year afterwards.

You see, some people, when they experience joy or gain something desirable and it is taken away, they can blame and even curse God. I knew better. Luckily I had been prepared by many experiences and my amazing parents leadership and teachings for this. I accepted this trial. I knew it was ordained to me in a way. I knew that God was in control. I knew He had a plan for me and I knew that with Him, it would all be ok. I knew I would get through it for many reasons...

I remember my dad (or was it my sister?) who said "You know Jaq, you can really stress over the simplest of things, but with this thing you are all tough as nails." It was so true and I felt a bit of pride, but not too much, because really the glory goes to my Lord and Savior. For it is he who atoned not only for my sins but descended below all things, experienced pain and anguish of an indescribable degree, but specifically my personal pains as well. All of ours - personally. He provided a way to return to our Heavenly Father through our fallen and imperfect state, but also a way to succor and guide us through the pains and tragedy of this life. I do not say these things because I have heard or been taught them so long. I say them because I know in my heart. This "knowing in your heart." This is faith. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  This faith is a gift. We have been created with a spirit that on its own right, knows how to communicate with the Holy Ghost. We do not need to understand it or how it works. But as the scripture says, it is something that is given so we can KNOW things with a surety without having to be proven to us in a mortal sense - with our limited vision and understanding. With the limited sight of  mortality, this faith in fact is the ONLY way to know anything with a surety on this earth. What an amazing gift! You feel it. In your heart and soul. And it can not be denied.

It is this faith and this trust of God that got me through that trying time. I would never ask for that kind of trial, but I would never give it away either. It has made me and changed me and I am sure prepared me. It has given me the gift of an even sweeter experience through this whole pregnancy. Every moment is so special and this abundance of love is indescribable - and all before I see her sweet face, hold her in my arms and feel her spirit. I am so grateful for this knowledge and for the example of many amazing strong, faithful people in my life. We all truly are here to bless each other and be God's tools in each other's lives. 

I know that Heavenly Father knows you. You are his child. He has a plan for you and desires to bless and reach out to you. Have faith. Do not fear. Seek Him. I am so so so glad I did and was able to turn something tragic into a great blessing. I would not be experiencing the utter joy I feel now if I had not gone down that path of faith and trust in the Lord.

Transition

I haven't recorded as much of this pregnancy as I wanted to! Time is just flying by super fast, and as excited as I am to have Zoee here with us, it feels a little too fast and I will miss being pregnant. I just love EVERYTHING about!

I love that my feet hurt so bad in the morning
I love that I have to prop up my huge belly at night
I love that I can feel her little (and frequent!) hiccup episodes!
I love that I have to pee every 10 minutes
I love how huge, swollen and firm my belly is!
I love love my pregnant body!
I love how my hips have just spread to about 5 times their width all on their own
I love how she pushes her little feet so hard against my right side that it feels like they are going to pop through and it actually hurts a little!
I love that I have hiccups 24/7
I love how Shawn talks to her and touches my tummy
I love the look in his eyes he has whenever he looks at me now
I love how I can't really bend over
I love how I have to turn sideways to do dishes!
I love how I have to sit with pillows behind me
I love everything about being pregnant!!

 Leaving my job was very very hard. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I will liken it to when I stopped going to martial arts and stopped competing in kickboxing. This is actually still a very touchy thing for me. I feel like I was so skilled, talented and passionate in it. I was MADE to do it. And it didn't last nearly long enough. I don't think I will quite get over it. My job was the same way. It helped me become who I am today. I am so proud to have worked there and touch lives, but I think they touched me WAY more. I could go on and on about it, but I don't feel the same amount of dread as I did with the kickboxing retiring, and I think I realized it's because this is totally right for me and for my family. (We are about to become a family! :D ) And I know it is the right thing to do and what the Lord wants of me. ALL of these things have prepared me for this. This entry into motherhood, and I am so so grateful for that. I cannot look at that and not see that Heavenly Father has directed every single pathway to bring me here. Heavy, I know, but I think that is why I feel the way I do now. It hasn't hit me all at once, but will little by little - at least until she is here! It is this beautiful and surreal feeling of being "in between." Even this morning, it felt SO weird to not have to get up and go to work...especially at the start of a new School Year. My brain is still going through the motions of work, it is so weird! So it felt a tad out of place to not physically be there...like muscle memory but for the brain. Does that make sense? It's just wild. But I love it. I always love every single sensation of life. It is so magical, miraculous and such a gift! I am looking forward to the next few weeks of getting my house and heart ready for this precious little soul. My precious baby girl!

Hello week 27!!

Pregnancy Transformation

It seems that there are more people than ever joining the fitness community and are somewhere in the midst of their transformation journey. I was at the beginning of this journey myself before I became pregnant. Let's start off with a little perspective real quick of my state of mind for this time.

So let's start by talking about Dana Linn Bailey....

Now, I know my close friends think I am nuts ever since I have became a fan of this scene. Most people I know think women are not suppose to look like this. That it is "gross" and manly. But there is something I want everybody to understand. I love MUSCLE. I love the power and the intensity of the human body made manifest. DLB quickly became an idol of mine - and here is the main point - NOT because I want to look like her! Her dedication is obvious, among a plethora of other characteristic and psychological strengths you need to get there. Not to mention her fabulous attitude and modesty for such achievements and the message she wants to send to girls and women. I have somewhat of an idea of this type drive because of the dedication I had put into Martial Arts and Kickboxing. There is a self satisfaction, a rush, a euphoria and a building up of yourself you feel when you see hard work manifest and feel its glory. I am not in a state to chase it anymore - but that brings me to my next point.

I have always been into fitness. It may seem that once I became closer to my boss and friend (who is quickly rising the ranks in the physique/fitness world :) ) I started my own journey. That is not the case. I have always loved working out and working for something, but somewhere in between moving out of childhood and learning to become an adult (a huge adjustment for me...thats a whole other story I will never write about) my concentration shifted from that. So what started it?

It was the molar pregnancy of course. Being told that my cancerous pregnancy could come back, that I could need chemotherapy...I swung right back into what I knew for keeping and building a strong and healthy body. I started eating clean. I mean VERY clean. I regularly consumed vitamins that were "anti-cancerous" and then when I was told I had to wait a year to get pregnant again, I knew I needed a new concentration. I saw that as an opportunity to dive back into fitness. And dive I did. I achieved things I never thought or got close to achieving before. I am not saying I HAD a miraculous transformation or had an awesome body. I mentally achieved things...I learned things to help me on that journey and started seeing results. I mean, who ever thought I would squat 145 lbs weighing only 130! I have always known I could accomplish anything I want physically and that I was blessed with a healthy and strong body, but these things CHANGED me. It is almost a blessing...what pushed me there. Actually no it WAS a blessing. I have been blessed through the whole process of "losing my first pregnancy" actually and it has really built me up in so many ways, as all burdens and hardships are designed to do in this life. I was able to concentrate on these things...and not on the hard truth that "I am not ALLOWED to get pregnant if I want to." It gave me drive, purpose, passion....it carried me through and I was enjoying life rather then sitting at home being depressed.(I also have my amazing job to thank for this.)

And as you know, it started to die down once I was told I could get pregnant. :)

And so here we are. And now I want to share MY transformation. Especially in this day of photoshopped magazine covers and dare I even say, this rise in fitness competitors, women are so hard on their bodies! We all know that. And it does not escape the pregnant women.

I have heard ladies complain about how "fat" they look or feel while pregnant. Look, I can somewhat relate. I too was thin before, and I understand especially if you have ALWAYS been super thin, to suddenly feel so big, but here is the heart of the matter. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! I am quickly realizing that all the pain and discomfort and general hardship a women goes through during pregnancy was designed (and I am not talking about the obvious scientific reasons such as your hips becoming wider to help during labor and thus causing extreme hip pain, as I know VERY well), I am talking about spiritually and emotionally. You are in for a really really difficult transition if you do not start realizing while pregnant that this little BUG (I say that lovingly, my TLG peeps know what I mean) is going to change EVERYTHING. Your life, you, your relationships...And so when you are looking at your pregnant body and think "aw man, my thighs...my sides..have gotten so fat!" you are missing the point. And you are missing the beauty.

Having always had an obsessive personality myself, I can see how I could easily fall into this trap. However, I am seeing everything with new eyes.

I am not showing these photos as in..."Look how awesome I look!" It is merely a comparison. I was well on my way, and nowhere near what I wanted. When I was working out, I was in this mental state of perfecting everything I see. "Ok, a little flab is still there on the sides, need to increase cardio" or "my biceps seem pretty flat. I need to work more on my tris!" So here's the thing: True athletes are never satisfied, and that is why you get people like DLB. Not because she "wants to have giant, man-like muscles" (and if you ask me they look amazingly, strong-feminine to me), but because they have drive, and they cannot stop working, and the rush and the journey is most of it and they know there is NO END. They keep working, improving, adapting and evolving because they cannot to anything else. They cannot stop.

And so my proudest moment is when Angela said "Jaquee! Your back looks amazing!" I thought "huh?" So later I went home and looked in the mirror and you can imagine my jaw dropping. I had not been working for that! A great personal milestone. Finding a strength...I am just so sad I do not have a better picture with better lighting so show it properly.

And so now, with that all in perspective, you can see how I could possibly fall into that same trap of harshly judging my body. Tons of women say they will never become pregnant because they don't want their body to get "ruined." How selfish! And having been working so hard for something, you would probably understand if I was a bit down at the atrophy of muscle that pregnancy causes.

My first picture I look a bit the same, however of course the tone of muscle has already atrophied, the stomach has softened...

Now let's look at a more recent one.

HERE is my transformation (so far!) Out of every post-baby, post-obese and post-lazy transformation pictures out there I want to declare that my, yes, TRANSFORMATION from fit to "FAT" is an accomplishment! A celebration! And so the conversations in the mirror have changed!

#1 - "Look at how huge my boobs are!! They are really preparing for baby to have many many good and healthy meals."
#2 - "Look at my belly! My organs have shifted, my ab muscles are all stretched out and its so big and round! Baby is growing and has temporary residence INSIDE of me! How lucky am I!? How amazing is that?!"
#3 - My love handles...my thighs have a great layer of fat now....FANTASTIC! My body is preparing for breastfeeding and the 600 extra calories it will be burning (gotta keep baby fed! I have a high metabolism anyway!)
- My body is so smart! So amazing!!

And that is what I see. And that is why I am proud of my pregnant body. I do not look into the mirror with the same, inward, self-centered attitude. I see it in a more primitive, naturally, respectful way. Does that mean I am not going to get back in the gym as soon as I can? No! But in the moment, in this precious and important, life changing moment, I am happy and ecstatic with the physical prowess, strength and talent the pregnant human body emanates. It is strength. It is peace. It is beauty. It is LIFE.

It is Zoee.

Starting This Blog

I have to start off by saying that in the recent past, I have been somewhat against personal blogs. I do not believe that whatever I have to say will serve anyone, inspire anyone, or that my experiences will "help out others like me/in my circumstances."  Nor do I intent to "impress" anyone with what I have to say or express; and after all, that is what it comes down too: Expression. I am an extremely self expressive being and I tend to go a bit crazy if this need is not meant.

With that being said, the purpose of this is mostly to foster that need for self expression; as well as provide a vessel for self discovery and a means of connecting with my family. This is mostly for them. For some reason, I have always felt the need to share my thoughts with them - maybe call it the youngest child syndrome? It is possible that my ideas, thoughts and expressions could be seen as stupid, naive and could even anger or disappoint other people, but again, my intention is not to cater to any of these thoughts or to anyone at all, but mostly just to share them. For me and for my family.

With that being said, the motivation for this blog was to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with pregnancy. It has been a long, hard road - though full of beauty and wonder, even in the darkness, and I am loving it. Feeling this life inside of me is like a full spectrum "completion" of my total existence. It is making me whole. We both talk to Zoee on a daily basis and my goals right now are to connect with her as much as I can. She kicks, I push back. She flutters, I rub my belly. I keep my mind and heart open to getting to know her already. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look down and smile privately. I do not know if all women do this as constantly as me, or if my past experiences have made this reality even more sweet. I like to think that later, but the reality is that as a first time mother there is probably a lot of things I think or feel that I assume "I am the only one" or "one of a few who experience this!" It must part of that ever present ego. Darn thing is still there!

A couple of changes I have noticed in myself:

• I act upon my inner desires and inklings a lot more. These things include comforting a friend, embracing a child, sharing words of love and compassion that I normally would keep to myself. I am assuming this nurturing nature is emerging and growing to prepare me for motherhood.
• I have no idea if this has to do with pregnancy at all or if I am just "evolving," but I noticed I am a bit more forthright, if you will, or at least more vocal with these thoughts. I will tell you like it is a lot quicker then I use to!
• My empathy is heightened. Always a special trait of mine, it seems to be "Super-Sensed" much like my heightened sense of smell! Hormonal? Or spiritual? (If you know me, everything is spiritual to me.)
• I am also more laid back. This is a trait that continues to grow in me because of the amazing influence of my husband, but I find I am much more relaxed and less inclined to "rush around" then before. Hallelujah!

So far I am completely and absolutely humbled and elated with this whole experience. I am finding that I am gaining traits that will serve me well. One's I am not sure I could sow on my own. I believe I am being blessed and that Heavenly Father is shaping me into the kind of woman and mother He wants me to be. I pray that I keep sensitive to these things so I can fulfill His desires for me. I find I am so open and delighted to transform so gloriously! (Also, another fantastic reason for starting this - writing always stimulates guided realizations! What a blessing!)

I have many more thoughts and experiences to share, on all spectrums. I will keep you posted! More to come!